


It Should've Been Us

by serohtonin



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mention of alcohol, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 18:21:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7117342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serohtonin/pseuds/serohtonin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the wake of Glee's end, Chris gets a call which leads to a confession he never imagined and a feeling that he can't let go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Should've Been Us

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this right after Glee wrapped and I just got around to finishing it. There are a lot of angsty feels so if you like happy endings, I don't recommend it. Title taken from the Tori Kelly song "Should've Been Us."  
> Disclaimer: I don't own anyone mentioned in this fic and it never happened except in my imagination.

Chris blinks awake to the bright morning light and sighs.

He doesn't have to get up early today, but he figures his body is pre-programmed to wake up around 4:30 in the morning nowadays; there's too much to do to bother sleeping in, even if he doesn't have a call time to worry about anymore.

Glee is over now.

It still feels weird to think about, given that they only wrapped yesterday. He knows he had grown tired of it long ago and had become content with focusing on other projects but he can't help feeling a twinge of melancholy. Kurt Hummel had given him his big break and allowed him the opportunity to fulfill his lifelong dreams; he'd be lying to himself if he said he wasn't grateful for it.

Plus he would miss the guy. Kurt was a part of him and they had both grown into adulthood together. They had both become comfortable with their identity and found the career path they belonged on. It had been so satisfying as an actor to give life to Kurt's dreams as the character had done for him.

Kurt had found his love and a happy ending of sorts which was almost enough. But inhabiting his skin for the better part of six years had become second nature and he still wasn't sure how to say goodbye to him.

He wasn't sure how to say goodbye to everyone else either though he already had for the most part. Sure, he knew he'd see a lot of them again but it wouldn't be the same as working beside them sixteen hours a day for five (sometimes six) days a week and sharing intimate moments in their bubble on set. A lot of the cast had become like a family; he had grown closer to them than his own blood relatives but there was always one costar who he wouldn't feel comfortable defining in that way.

He had never done anything more than cuddle with Darren and get a few forehead kisses on occasion but it felt wrong to classify him as a friend or even as family when he clearly felt something more lingering between them. They had shared a lot of heavily charged moments both in and out of character and had always cracked jokes to break the very real tension.

They never discussed it either since Chris had been too afraid of making the situation more awkward than it was and losing him altogether. Then they had both found relationships with other people which didn't totally erase the connection they shared but it had become easier to let their emotions lie there like an abandoned bridge they could no longer cross.

Still, Chris felt a twinge in his chest for all the opportunities he had missed with Darren. Maybe it would get easier when Darren left for New York. Maybe he would stop imagining sharing kisses with him on the couch between bites of takeout or watching Darren play a piano that would occupy the currently empty corner in his living room. It's only been a day since they wrapped the show; these thoughts will fade with more time and distance between he and Darren.

At least that's what Chris tells himself right now while he's in bed with someone else sleeping beside him.

Then his phone chimes with a text alert that he figures he should probably look at. It might be important.

He squints to read it without his glasses and can barely make out what it says.

It's from Darren.

_Do you miss me?_

Chris swallows as he sits up in bed, looking over at the man next to him.

He types back:

_Lol it's only been one day._

He expects a teasing response similar to the witty banter they always share but he gets nearly the same message:

_Do you miss me? I already miss you._

That familiar pang in Chris' heart returns as he debates exactly what to say but he settles on keeping it light.

_Don't get all sentimental on me now. It's not like we won't see each other again, TV husband._

Darren replies instantly with:

_Chris, don't do that. Not now. I need you._

Then before he can even process, Darren's smiling face pops up on his screen, indicating that he's calling.

Chris flies out of his bedroom and into the hallway as he slides his thumb across the screen to answer.

"You wanna do this now?" Chris greets him in a quiet but sharp voice. "Seriously? It's almost five a.m."

_"Sorry. I can't sleep. You had to know."_

"Know what? Can't it wait 'til we--?" _'Til we see each other on set,_ he wants to finish but then he remembers they probably won't ever work together again. "Why are you doing this?"

_"We're friends, right?"_

"Sure. I guess we are." He leans against the wall with a sigh, the words slipping from his lips uneasily. 

_"Friends tell each other how they feel. They tell them that they miss them. And I miss you a lot. I wanted you to know. There's a lot that I want you to know."_

"Did you have too much champagne at the wrap party?"

_"Will you stop and let me talk? This is important," Darren urges frantically. _"Can I come over?"__

"No you can't. You know that."

 _"He's there, isn't he?"_ Chris can practically hear Darren grinding his teeth angrily.

"Yes. You know that too."

_"Fuck, Chris. I--I know we said our goodbyes after the show finished but I couldn't tell you everything. Not there. So can I? Please."_

"Why? It doesn't make a difference now."

 _"But it could one day, couldn't it?"_ Darren asks hopefully. _"Tell me it could."_

Chris wants to say yes, that they could work out exactly what they mean to each other someday, away from the scrutiny of flashing lights and inquiring minds who have no right to know the truth. But with Darren going to New York for the next few months and who knows where after that, they would be forced to work all this out the way they are now, through phone calls and text messages that barely suffice for the touch that he craves from Darren.

So instead of saying yes, Chris says, "Tell me what you would do if you were here and he wasn't."

_"Chris, that is not what I meant. You know I want more than that."_

"I know but can we just not do that? Can we pretend I already know all that and we're the kind of people that do this?"

 _"Well, I care about you a lot and this isn't about screwing around. That's not the only thing I want from you."_ Darren pauses and then begins again, his voice low and private. _"I always imagined us making this nightly routine, y'know? Like when we're both home."_

Chris sucks in a deep breath, the implication of Darren's answer much heavier than he imagined. They wouldn't share just sex; they'd share a home. His heart quickens and he looks over his shoulder as if the man in his bed can overhear the conversation.

Still, Chris urges Darren to continue. 

"Yeah, like what?"

 _"After I try to cook dinner and fail miserably for the fiftieth time, we order takeout from that Chinese place you love. I steal half your food when you're not looking and I blame it on Brian. But you can taste the extra soy sauce on my tongue when I kiss you and you tease me about it. That doesn't stop you from making out with me though."_ Darren chuckles.

Chris touches his fingertips to his lips as if Darren had kissed him and remembers the excitement he felt whenever they filmed a kissing scene over the years. He told himself it would help the scene if he let himself feel it, toeing the dangerous line between where Kurt and Blaine ended and where Chris and Darren began. They always stayed as careful as they could but Chris wonders what it would be like if they didn't have to. If they were allowed to do this as themselves without a camera around or a director advising them to repeat it with a different angle, he thinks Darren wouldn't hold back as much as Blaine had. There would be less restraint and even more tongue. Their bodies would press together with purpose and Chris would revel in the heat of Darren's fingertips on his skin. He would let Darren climb into his lap and freely explore every inch with his hands and mouth until he learned it all. Arousal stirs in him as he breathily whispers his reply.

"What else, Dare?"

_"I--I'd bug you to go further but you'd insist that you have work to do. I do too but I would still want you. Anyway I'd eventually stop and agree with you because you're always right. Then I'd catch up on emails and maybe work out some tunes on my guitar while you write the next chapter of your soon-to-be bestseller. Then I'd quit since I'm fucking exhausted and I want to forget about everything else except for you. I'd beg you to come to bed with me but of course you'd be so caught up in writing that you'd wave me away."_

"I wouldn't," Chris answers quickly, giving in to the fantasy. "Because you'd give me those puppy dog eyes that rival Coop's and you know I can't resist those."

_"Ahh, my secret weapon. Works every time."_

"Most of the time," Chris admits, remembering on set and on tour when Darren would flash him those eyes and feign a frown, charm oozing from his every pore. Chris would give him anything he asked for with those eyes.

 _"Lies."_ Darren laughs but then his tone turns soft and quiet. _"So you'd come to bed?"_

Chris blinks back the wetness in his eyes and nods until he realizes that Darren can't see him. "Yeah, yes," he replies. "Who's the little spoon and who's the big spoon?"

_"I'm the little spoon, babe. I like how you assume cuddling would happen."_

Chris' heart twinges with longing as Darren's term of affection registers. It leads him to recall drunken nights after cast parties where they'd fall asleep together and Darren, even more unabashed than usual, would ask to be held. Chris would always oblige him.

"It would because I know you," Chris tells him. "But sometimes I'd like to be the little spoon too."

_"I'd grant that wish for sure. Whatever you want, I'd give it."_

Now the tears slip down Chris' cheek but he tries not to sob too loudly.

"I--I believe you."

_"I would if I could. That's what I had to tell you."_

"I know. Someday, right?" Chris finally acquiesces to the possibility even if it might never come true.

_"Someday."_

"Dare?"

_"Yeah?"_

"G--good luck with the show. I know you'll be amazing."

Darren swallows, his voice shaking. _"Th-Thanks a lot. Maybe you can make it out there to see it in person."_

"Yeah, maybe," he says although he probably won't. It's too risky and if he does, he'll want to spill all his feelings like Darren has now. Instead, they'll stay buried between them in the light of the Los Angeles dawn where Darren can't see him crying.

 _"Good. I hope so,"_ Darren replies, breaking his thoughts. _"It would be nice to be with you."_

"Yeah, it would." Chris grins, knowing he isn't just talking about seeing the show. "I, um, I should go get some sleep."

_"Yeah, sure. I--Me too. Sweet dreams, Chris."_

"You too."

There's a sharp intake of breath on the other end but Darren doesn't say anything else and the call ends, leaving Chris alone as his legs give out and he slides to the floor of his hallway. 

His tears run hot and heavy as he basks in the vision they just created together. It could be wonderful if they let it happen and things were different. But they probably never will be so Chris lets Darren go, like he has with Kurt and Glee, leaving them in his past and in a deep corner of his heart. 

Maybe he'll pull out the memories and the longing one night when he's drunk and lets all his regrets take hold. But for now, he goes back to bed and wipes away his tears, trying not to wake his partner. This is his life and he'll return to living it without Darren, for good.


End file.
